| Count | Date | Alleged Offense | Public Record |
|---|---|---|---|
| I | Jun 3 | Charging in the first degree. Suspect connected a motor vehicle to a wall. A cord was present at the scene. | Closed↗ 26-00021687 |
| II | Jun 4 | Reoffending within 24 hours. Anonymous tip: “remove this cord before someone gets hurt.” Nobody got hurt. | Closed↗ 26-00021709 |
| III | Jun 17 | Fueling a car with electricity across the public right-of-way. The audacity, apparently, continued. | Closed↗ 26-00021710 |
| IV | Jun 29 | Escalation. The Hotline could no longer locate the proper authorities. The cord remained deeply corded. | Open26-00025690Sealed |
| V | Jul 1 | Formal demand for Enforcement™. Ramp still ramping. Electrons still flowing. Morale, high. | Closed↗ 26-00026228 |
| VI | Jul 2 | Aggravated recharging. Now allegedly in violation of municipal code, federal statute, and the second law of thermodynamics. | Open↗ 26-00026221 |
| VII | Jul 2 | The cord was, per the filing, “again” blocking the sidewalk — “again” doing considerable heavy lifting. Report No. 2 of the afternoon. | Open↗ 26-00024027 |
| VIII | Jul 2 | Now with citations — Sec. 5-2-16, Sec. 5-2-29, the ADA, and the social contract. Cord unmoved. Report No. 3 before dinner. | Open↗ 26-00026438 |
| IX | Jul 13 | The homeowner, it is alleged, “constantly” runs his charger across the sidewalk — a word here meaning roughly three hours once a week. Submitted exhibit photographed July 1 (per EXIF + GPS); filed July 13. Even the evidence is a rerun. | Open↗ 26-00027621 |
| X | Jul 17 | A tenth filing — this one bundling three exhibits already on file, one (IMG_3359) first submitted back on Count I. The evidence, like the cord, keeps coming back. | Open↗ 26-00028351 |
| XI | Jul 25 | An eleventh filing — this time under a brand-new category (“Sidewalk” proper), the case having changed venue. A fresh photo, for once, and a new allegation involving a nighttime dog-walk. The cord endures. | Open↗ 26-00029428 |
Guilty of charging an electric vehicle responsibly, in public, with a safety ramp. Sentence: to keep doing exactly that. The cord remains at large.
The accused has channeled his life of crime into a fully-cited policy proposal: a Residential EV Charging Access Pilot for Alexandria — engineering standards, insurance analysis, cost models, peer-city research, the works. Review the evidence →
Dossier prepared by the accused, about the accused, from his own public records — the case-file numbers above link to the real Alex311 reports (sealed entries withhold their link to protect privacy). No neighbors were named, shamed, or identified in the making of this exhibit; the complaints appear only as the charges against our hero. Any resemblance to an actual municipal document is deeply intentional and entirely satirical. The cord is fine. Everyone is fine.